From February 2015:
Today I am reliving my relationship history/mistakes…in my oldest daughter. She is facing almost the exact same dilemma that ended my last relationship (and the one before that too).
I am old enough…and hopefully wise enough to know that nobody is perfect. Not me…and not any man I have ever been with or ever will be with. So that means that one of the most important skills you need in any relationship is…compromise. (And saying you are sorry but that is another post.)
Some compromises will be small ones…watching what he wants on TV, going out with friends when all you want is a nice quiet night snuggled up together, baking the chicken instead of frying for his heart health, and the list goes on and on. Some compromises are BIG ones…like moving when he get a new job or doing without a sewing room so he can have a man den.
The thing is…when does compromise cross the line into…settling? Settling for a relationship that is less than what you want, need or deserve. And how do you know it is time to just cut your losses and move on?
Oh those are tough questions. Because no two people, situations or reasons are the same. What was the absolute positively right thing for me…may not be the right thing for my daughter in her situation.
So how do you judge? How do you know? For me, I believe the key to that one is to be found in my new mantra…to thine own self be true. When a relationship causes you to compromise your core values the things that important to you…like dignity, self-respect, your family, self-esteem…the biggies…then it is time to leave. Run, do not walk. Do not pass go, do not collect two-hundred dollars. Or as Kenny Rogers says…
And love/relationships are always the biggest gambles we will take!
But there are other factors that make even that a fuzzy line sometimes. You see where those lines are drawn can depend on things as complex as the investment you have made in the relationship. I mean if after two weeks or even two months the guy cancels dates with you because of friends…that is one thing. But if he is still doing that same thing six months or six years down the line that is another.
BUT at the same time…if he is doing crappy stuff at two months or three months when things are fresh and new…what the fuck he gonnna do in five years? Especially if you never called him on it and he thinks he can just get away with it because you are a door mat…a sub…whatever.
I have gotten to be a bit of a tough ass bitch these days. I have come to realize that every single relationship I have ever been in (even my marriages) I knew within the first 90 days…three months…what would eventually kill them all. So know I have a 90 returns policy…if you are defective, i.e. I find myself in situations where I am settling and not merely compromising within that time period…well, don’t let the knob hit you where the good goddess split you.
I am too old to waste time on the wrong ones when what I want/need/deserve is Mister Right-for-Me.