Not what you expect…

It’s Monday. Tara’s weekend is over. She should be back to #TroubleTexasStyle. I can’t wait to see what’s happening? Are they all heading to Torreon? Will Will be able to keep his promise to protect Cally/Grace? Who is that woman who scared Stacey so much? Or at the very least, can we get some hot sex from Laura and Ryan? It’s been too long since we had any. Isn’t this supposed to be Literary ‘Erotica?’ Where’s the erotica?

All of those are valid questions. What’s more, today is the final day of NaNoWriMo 2020. I am 2,036 words away from that 50K and winning another one. But there are also only thirty-two days until 2021, and I feel my goal of finishing Trouble Texas Style and beginning Reconciliation, Texas slipping through my fingers.

I am sorry this is not what you expected or want. But the truth is…

My world is spiralling down the drain, and I am completely powerless now to do anything about it.

A strand of RNA with 120-160nm diameter is calling the shots in our @HomeCrazzyHome. Because despite following ALL the advice issued in the UK and Wales, plus a couple of measures of our own, I found out yesterday that we have been exposed to someone who tested positive. So, now we are Day 5 of 14. A waiting game of life and death, especially for my high-risk partner.

While I want to, perhaps even NEED to, immerse myself in that other dimension of TTS, I just am not there yet. I am trapped within my own head, second-guessing everything that got us to this point and fearing the worst case scenario.

In case you have not guessed it yet, one of my core beliefs is the perfection of the divine union of the masculine and feminine.

Yes, I believe that can be achieved in a single body. One person balancing their masculine and feminine energies, able to call to the forefront at any time whichever is most needed at that moment. Then when the crisis has passed slip seamlessly back into that perfect balance represented by the Chinese Yin/Yang symbol. But I also believe that is EXTREMELY rare.

And at fifty-five, I have never even come close. My feminine/Yin is overpowering. You see it in my writing. The flowery language. The depth of emotions over thoughts. And that is how I live my life – strong emotions almost always overcome cool logic. As they have in this instance.

Of course, that is not necessarily bad. In that surrender to my Yin is intense pleasure. Not merely my own, but my partners, male or female. And as with the ancient goddess whom I call my own, from that kunta or yoni flows healing, as well as pleasure and life itself.

The problem was, and is, that my Yin is so incredibly strong finding a Yang to balance it took fifty years, over three decades of searching.

But for the past four years, six months, and twenty nine days – one thousand, seven-hundred, and ninety-seven days to be exact, I have lived in that balance.

With my partner, we have provide my autistic daughter with such understanding, acceptance, respect, and unconditional love that she grown into a young woman that I stand in awe of. Gone are the meltdowns of the past. She shows both more compassion and logic than I do.

With my partner, we have created a @HomeCrazzyHome that is the perfect balance of restoring nature, providing food for us and others, and an inclusive environment that embraces hurting people.

Now, all of that is at stake. Even though we did the ‘right’ things.

And that is why I am writing this. Why I am lying my soul bare. Because I want people to ask themselves…

Is my ‘freedom’ worth the lives of others?

Is that cup of coffee in the shop or that drunk night out at the bar/pub worth killing someone else?

Is eating in that restaurant, as we are being encourage to do by governments, because of course someone’s job or that person’s business, is worth more than my partner’s life?

Yes, government is lying to us all about the risks, folks.

But not as some say to control us or over-exaggerate the situation.

They are minimizing the risks. This is a numbers game to them. And the bottom line is the same one it always is…

Or whatever the currency is where you live.

Yes, they have put a price tag on my partner’s life. Yes, they have run the risk-alliance. Yes, each government has carefully decided just how many lives are worth it to maintain their way of life.

Hell, maybe that is even how it has to be.

Until it is YOU! Your partner. Your life.

What I want you to take away from all this is simple…

You are the only one who truly cares about your life and family on a personal level. You are the only one that can or SHOULD make those choices.

And while we believed that we were making informed ones, based upon the recommendations of our government and trusting people in our circle/bubble to care about the ramifications of their actions, we have discovered the hard way that…

You cannot trust anyone.

Do you have any idea who hard that was to write? For the woman, who not only dreams of Reconciliation, Texas, but tries to live as if that world of friends and family that care and you can trust is a reality? My faith and beliefs have taken a battering even before this. But right now????

All I can say is…I will try my best to finish these stories that I see as my legacy. But I don’t know what my future holds. What tomorrow brings.

Please, learn a lesson on my dime…

Do whatever you need to protect you and yours…

And if you have no other choice but to go out there, please, Please, PLEASE consider the lives of others like us. Yes, even more than your individual liberties, rights, and freedoms that I believe in as much as the next person.

Please Wear a Mask – at ALL times when not inside your home or the presence of your family/people that you live with. And make sure that those others in your home do the same.

Please Social Distance – But realize that is inadequate. I have social distanced and worn a mask every time I left our @HomeCrazzyHome.

Hell, I even made up t-shirts that said: If you are close enough to smell my farts, then you are NOT Social Distancing. Yes, I got some looks, and yes, the moment that people read it, they usually stepped back.

BUT, I took a risk this weekend, and went to our local market, though it was not the mistake that brought us to this point, it is another risk I will not make again. I only went to two stalls towards the front. As I stood at my egg and butter stand, a woman came up from my blind side. She disrespected ALL social distancing, standing less than two feet from me…and touching the packet I was in the process of purchasing. I screamed at her. I don’t and won’t apologize for that. My ethical purchases can take back burner to my partner’s life.

This story illustrates the problem with Social Distancing…

You are relying on strangers to do the right thing. And you have no control over their actions.

Wash your hands OFTEN! How often? Every time you touch anything from the outside world. Every time you touch your face. And just for good measure four to six times per day. Because we are all touching doorknobs, walls, and other objects that we share with the people we live with.

A couple of other measures that we took that you might consider are:

Asking people even in your bubble to wear masks and social distance as much as possible even in your home. If we don’t catch this virus, this is the reason why. When we evaluated the government guidelines and allowed our daughter’s companions to return for her mental health, we asked them to wear masks. Yes, this felt terribly intrusive, but I’m damn glad we did. And looking back, I question the advice of bubbles at all. Yes, I understand mental health, better than many. But in times like this, where is the balance? Only you can make that decision. Just please be aware, the risks are much greater than you are being told.

Buy online. Yes, I realize how challenging this one can be. We could not get a food delivery for the first two months of that initial lockdown. If I were not a prepper… Our salvations were that I grew my own and Amazon. Trust me, I have a real love/hate relationship with this mega-giant. But without it, we could not have gotten through those first months, and we remain heavily dependent on them. I might not like it, but it is not worth the risk. Speaking of which…

Quarantine outside items and/or wash them down with bleach. We use contactless delivery, of course. But even once we bring those boxes/bags inside, we leave them in our vestibule for twenty-four to seventy-two hours. Of course, we can’t do that with frozen or refrigerated items. But we wash those down with a bleach solution before putting them away. Yes, our vestibule gets messy. VERY messy.

Yes, ALL of this may seem extreme. People, who we once thought were our friends have verbally attacked us and made fun of us for these measures. But if we survive this scare, it will be thanks to those extra measures and not ‘government guidelines.’ And yes, if we survive, we may get more extreme. And if ‘friends’ think that is going too far?

I wish those Covid-deniers in the world could walk this day in my mocassins. I wish they could feel the self-doubts, recriminations, fears, panic, and self-loathing that I do right now. It might seem unkind but yes, I wish each and everyone of them faced what I am right this moment…

Risking losing the most important person in your life.

That’s the reality. That’s the world we are living in, folks. Is it any wonder I escape to Reconciliation? Maybe one day, if I and enough other writers draw a clear enough road map, we can find ourselves there. I hope I have the chance to finish my legacy.

Goddess bless you all, take care of you and yours,

P.S. Now I’m crying as I uploaded all those photos. Counting all the infinity of love that I stand to lose. This is serious, folks.

12 thoughts on “Not what you expect…

  1. I think some people do not take it seriously until they actually experience the fear of seeing a beloved vulnerable family member suffering. Too many people are focused on the financial cost. What cost do you place on life? on love?

    You were very brave to write this post Tara. We send lots of love to you and your family ❤

      1. Tara: Such a special and heart felt post today. Our throughts and best wishes are with you and your partner. Your comments need to be heard far and wide. Such courage you have!

        Go well and be safe.

      2. Yes, that is my wish. That more people see what this is doing to families. That it is not a hoax.

  2. Tara,

    You know what is important. Follow your own instincts. Take care of him and her and you. The only way to take care of you is to take care of him and her. You need it.

  3. My thoughts are with you both. I hope that it will all be ok. I don’t know how long your exposure was but you would really need to be in contact for about an hour with them exhaling droplets the whole time. You will mostly likely not get it in passing contact. That may or may not be your situation.

    I totally understand how you feel when some who is a part of you has the possibility of getting sick. Yes we take precautions to protect ourselves and others. People just need to get it through their heads that we take precautions because we care.

    1. Thank you, Cynthia.

      Unfortunately, this was my autistic daughter’s companion. For exposure was 3+ hours in an enclosed gaming room. Thankfully, we had asked that her companions wear masks and wash their hands often while with her.

      It felt strange and intrusive at the time. But if we do come out of this without catching the virus, it will be because of those extra measures, not required or recommended in government guidelines.

      Take this seriously, folks. Trust your gut. And don’t be afraid to ask more of others. If they are your friends, they’ll understand. If they don’t…???

  4. I am in a similar position to you, similar age, partner (wife) in an extremely high risk category. At this time we have effectively quarantined. I stay home to take care of her full time. We’re leaving Ving off savings. Only family band nurse aides come to visit. I only go out for groceries and the occasional take out meal that I bring her. She is the inspiration vfor my own stories on Literotica. I am lucky enough to have found the one, and though she has had a stroke and requires help to do everything, life without her is unthinkable. That is something I hope shows in my writing. We probably had it easier in some ways in the USA. We knew, or at least many if us did, that our leadership was not up to the task of fighting covid. A year into this thing we still have no national policy for fighting this virus. Any policy we have has come at the state and local level, undermined by a national leader who seems to thrive on creating chaos. And so we wait. I can’t take my wife to the mountains that we both love until things stabilize. I’ve promised her that once this is over I will take her to her mother’s hometown in North Carolina, a trip we’d always intended to make with three people instead of two. Not only will it be a nice vacation, but it will also honour the legacy of the woman who meant so much to us, who never got to make the trip.

    Stay safe out there. This stuff is real.Treat it as such.

    1. What you say has some validity. Being an American living in the UK for so long, I still have never adjusted to their blind faith in government and dependence on it. Knowing that no one is going to help you as you say means that you do whatever you have to. And rely on community.

      I am excited to begin this new chapter that I hope will paint a picture of what we can be and do for one another.

      Goddess bless you both…and protect you. My thoughts are with you.

      Where in North Carolina? I grew up in South Carolina…many, many, many moons ago.

  5. The small town my mother in law grew up in is Tryon. It sits on the border between the two Carolinas just outside Spartanburg. She grew up there in the Jim Crow eta, moving north to Pittsburgh with her mother in search of a better life. As did so many others over the years. Her story is the American history you won’t find in the books. Landing in a small mill town outside Pittsburgh she and her husband’s were able to build a life where race wasn’t as much of a barrier to a good job. At least until the bottom dropped out of the steel industry in the 1980s and the whole area was thrown into poverty. Pittsburgh is the largest city in Appalachia, and being a steel and transportation hub kept it from the grinding poverty of the coal patch towns further south. I myself moved into the city, having graduated high school just as everything was shutting down.

    We are strong people, used to adversity. We (Pittsburghers) were among the first victims of the offshoring of American industry. We’ve been told hard work gets you ahead, only to have it snatched away from us. If we seem a little mistrustful this is a large part of the reason.

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