Mommy Monday: REAL Life

Good news…I wrote over 3500 words last week. Bad news…they were all in the renewal packet of PanKwake’s disability form.

I cannot even remember if it is three or four nights that I have slept on the crappy twin bed in my study to be close at hand when she calls. And sleep is most definitely a misnomer. More like tiny naps between TV changes, food and computer.

And just as I finished unpacking the last box in the Pink Paradise, we have begun house hunting. Because the lovely old house where Cookie Monster lives, the one with walls so thick that cellphone signals are hard to get…well, the sound of PanKwake on the stairs not only does travel to the neighbor’s…it is amplified.

As my closest friends will tell you…I have been virtually unreachable via Skype, Facebook or anywhere else either.

So this is an incredibly hard post to write. But I have gotten to the point after 18 months that I can in the short term no longer maintain this blog. I have decided to suspend it indefinitely while fingers crossed things settle down.

As a romance/erotica writer, I have long maintained that we fail our readers by ending our stories where REAL life begins. The words “I love you” are only the beginning. And trust me, not even the millionaire Dom of your dreams, better than any hero you have ever read or written, can straighten out and slow down this roller coaster ride we call life.

Life sucks!

But I know now beyond any shadow of a doubt that what I have always ‘preached’…

Love is the only thing that makes it worth living is true just as much or even more.

Funny FaceEven though I look like shit, since I saw this photograph…one of the first of me and Cookie Monster taken during our Legoland trip with PanKwake…I knew it was the perfect metaphor for what He and I share. We both hate rides, especially roller coasters. But we did it together for her. Notice how we hold on to one another for dear life. That’s how this thing works…how it is supposed to.

Oh and my third core value…the one that says frequent kinky sex is the best way to show someone you care…that is also very true. Almost four months…not only not a single fight…not a single disagreement.

And it is most definitely NOT because we have not had the opportunity or because of any honeymoon period…when your family lives on the autistic spectrum such a thing simply does not exist.

  • Whether it is putting together a trampoline as a couple…
  • Packing a hoard of pink and sometimes even broken toys and dolls…cushioning them in bubble wrap because they are precious to a special little girl…
  • Dealing with police officers on a busy street during a meltdown…
  • Choosing to clean the house, make dinner and give the man his nightly massage even though you are bone tired yourself…
  • Going to work even though someone else’s kid kept you up half the night…
  • Being screamed at by the neighbors…
  • Or hiding knives to keep an autistic little girl safe…

Those are just a small sample of the things that we have dealt with over the past few months. Things that would have had many couples screaming and yelling at one another, passing blame and broken more than one.

And yes…sex has been used to destress…defuse…and communicate as it should be when words just are not enough. Kink has kept me sane. And as a REAL Dom should He has given me what I needed…not taken what He wanted. In return, I have given back that which the sub can…respect, trust and love.

I have seen first hand that ALL the bullshit I wrote and preached to you in my books and on this blog really honest to goodness does work. With the RIGHT person.

Cookie Monster as part of a childless couple and then a widower had never seen Frozen. Last night PanKwake and I corrected that. As I fell asleep in his arms, we talked about it. As I said then, I wish it was as simple as ‘AN act of unconditional love.’ But it is never just one, folks. It takes them each and every single day…for the rest of your lives.

This is not good-bye. One of the reasons I am doing this is so that I can use what precious little writing time I do have to finish off Ægir’s and work on some other stories I have left unfinished. And I hope in a few months…after ANOTHER move and settling back down again…to resume this blog that I love so much.

The honest truth though is that while I can live without being a New York Time Bestseller…I cannot lose my precious child to the challenges of autism…and I will not squander the most precious gift that Fate or my goddess ever gave me in Him. So for however long it takes I am putting my focus where it belongs…on family.

I am living what before I could only talk like doctors and ‘experts’ about theoretically. Now I know.

So until we ‘meet’ again…I hope that you too will put your focus upon what REALLY matters…

Those you love and who love you in return.


One thought on “Mommy Monday: REAL Life

  1. So sorry to hear you are suspending your blog, I hope you are able to find time to pick back up in the near future. That said, I am greatly looking forward to more Ægir and your followup to Arrangement. Good luck with life and I hope you can check back in every now and again!

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