It is the question that I have been struggling with lately. In case you have missed the reading between the lines…my tribe is…dispersed. I think that is the best way of putting it.
FireBird and Captain America are happily settling into the monogamy that I sort of pushed them towards. FireBird and I are still close. We talk and I do still love them both. But I won’t come between them. And Thor? Somewhere in Niflheim I suppose. And me? I am good. Wiser, but good.
But as I begin to ‘date’…not that I really do that shit, but as close to a description as I can come…I am left asking myself so…what DO you want? Polyamory? Monogamy? What are you really? Then there is the beautiful word fluctuating.
I suppose the truth is something that Thor and I once talked about…poly does not mean I sleep around casually or just fuck anything I want. Poly means I have the capacity to care about/love more than one person at a time. Even if I am in a committed long term relationship with just one person…it does not change that capacity to love others.
Being the mother of six was the PERFECT training ground for that. Learning that each was different…needed different things from me…but that I needed to balance those needs…make sure that each got what he or she needed in the long term.
Do you screw up? Oh hell yeah, but you know what even if you have only one child…one lover…there are going to be times that you let them down. But accepting the responsibilities for those fuck ups. Apologizing…MAKING IT RIGHT…and learning from your mistakes is what counts.
I have always said that I think that poly is the next step in human evolution when it comes to relationships. It just makes sense on so many levels.
First of all, in this busy, selfish world it is unrealistic to expect one person to give you all that you need emotionally, intellectually, spiritually and physically. Honestly, none of us are truly monogamous. Not if you have ever shared a secret with your friend that you would not with your partner. Not if you share long deep talks with someone that you cannot with your partner. Not if you have ever felt this instant bond/connection even non-sexual to someone other than your partner. We are all poly, folks…the only difference is the decision to make that a physical/sexual bond.
It also is PRACTICAL. Fewer and fewer traditional marriages have the resources emotional or financial to raise a family. Think about this scenario…instead of a family being a man and woman with two point one children…a man and two women…or two men and a woman…or two couples. Then you have the capacity for at least two incomes…and a stay-at-home parent based upon the skills and choices of the individuals involved. It makes perfect sense in terms of raising healthy, happy children. Yes, that also means there is more potential for sexual variety and satisfaction…more cuddles and kisses…and always someone with a shoulder to cry on too.
BUT in order to make it work, we as mere human beings must face our demons. We must learn to put jealousy in its place. Notice I did not say aside. That would make us robots. There will always be my bad moments when I rant and rage at my goddess and Fate. Why do FireBird and Captain America get to walk off into the sunset and live happily ever after while I am all alone? Mind you…I set that up, because I loved them both and realized how perfect they were for one another. And there are also tough moments when knowing they are happy is the only that keeps me going. Poly means I must OWN my emotions…joy and jealousy…and not push them off on others though.
Poly too means that we must learn to trust and communicate on a much deeper level than we ever have before. We have to practice TRANSPARENCY…not just answering questions honestly, but going that extra measure to reveal hidden things…that we want to keep hidden. That is not easy…not when from toddlerhood…we are indoctrinated with words like ‘big boys don’t cry’ or ‘be a good girl.’ We have to unlearn all of those hidden messages that tell us our thoughts and feelings simply do not matter to those closest to us…the ones that should love us. With monogamy, you might be able to coast by with hidden agendas and secrets…although probably not if you want true happiness and connection. But with poly…and multiple needs/wants/personalities…that just won’t cut it.
And if all that is not bad enough…one person cannot do it alone. Of course, that too is true of monogamy. One person cannot make a marriage or any relationship work. But the more people…the more ingredients…you put into that pot…the more important that those flavors balance one another. Not too much of one…or too little of another. All those flavors must meld and work together. Of course, there is nothing like a nice rich, thick, hearty minestrone. All that meat, vegetables, pasta and herbs blended together and simmering to perfection…that is good poly’s potential.
So yeah…I probably am poly. Not that I could not do monogamy….with someone VERY special. It would be a gift that I could give if truly important…deal breaker. But after six children loving more than one person at a time just comes naturally for this girl.
Poly though is many different things…so many, many different things. And it is about what each person has the capacity to manage… I am not saying my way is the only way, but there are some things I know that I need it to be for it to work for me…
- Totally open…I could never be in a relationship with just one person who was in another relationship with someone else. No, for me poly means we are all in this together. If I am in a relationship with a guy then I must also have some connection even if it is only friendship with any other women who he is with. Same thing with the guys in my life…they need to be friends. I could not tolerate hidden parties in a relationship. My ideal is wine, laughter and conversation all together…in the same room. At least on occasions.
- I do need a primary. Oh, this is a touchy one even within the poly community. Some think that kind of hierarchical ordering is unfair. Maybe it is…but I need a strong and unique bond with just one other person to be the center for me. Especially if we are not all living together…I need that one person that is mine…sort of any way. Which oddly enough is very different from my parenting style where there are no favorites. So maybe that will change over time…who knows.
- It needs to be based on more than sex or BDSM. For me this is that key difference between poly and other things like open or swinging. The fact that this is LOVE and relationship and commitment. Not just sex. Not just pain or submission. But honest genuine love…just for more than one person at a time. And those people must reciprocate.
Wow…when you look at all of that…seems to make monogamy more viable? Finding not just one person…but more than one that sees things that way…that wants the same thing from a relationship. Seems a pretty tall order don’t it? And we ain’t even gotten into the kink side of BDSM yet. As Kirsty discovered…Doms are just so good at sharing their toys.
How about you? Poly? Mono? Open? Solo? What do you want/need?
Tara Cox - Literary Erotica 