Freaky Friday: Hummers

Since this is Freaky Friday, I assume you realize I am not talking about huge, gas-guzzling, SUVs?

Nope, ladies, I REALly am talking about fellatio, blow jobs, sucking cock.

Yes, REALly.

This Chris Rock comedy routine has always been among my favorites.

Sadly, it is all too true. Not just for marriage, but relationships in general.

But it does not have to be that way. Today, I am challenging you to give your man a blow job that will curl his toes. And I’m going to tell you HOW.

Of course, there are loads of positions that you can use for fellatio. On your tummy between his thighs. On your back with your head off the bed (this one is good for deep throating) and him standing over you. Even 69 (not my favorite…this girl never could walk and chew gum at the same time).

But for a blow job, ladies, nothing beats kneeling on the floor. Just the act of kneeling says…this is about YOU. That old submission thing.

While we are on the subject…Eye Contact. Yes, look up at him…often. I love this part. Never will you feel your feminine power of the goddess like you do in that moment. Looking up at the man you love, feeling him tremble, hearing his moans. This is when you truly feel most a woman (or a man…I ain’t homophobic).

Let your fingers do some walking. And I ain’t talking the yellow pages, folks. (Uh-oh, I just showed my age there. If you don’t know what those are…Google it.) Of course, most of us use our hands to augment the sucking motion, but if that is all you do with them, you are missing most of the fun.

Hands and fingers can run up and down thighs and buns. They can massage or if he is kinky even tug on balls. Hell, if he is willing they can even blow his mind by slipping one or two up his a$$. You probably should discuss this one first. Though Jill found it much easier to get Daniel’s forgiveness (ha-ha) than permission (The Arrangement). So unless this is some challenge where he has your hands tied behind your back…use those things, girls.

There are actually three key characteristics of a great blow job…Wet…Sloppy…and Loud. You are not sucking cock at a dinner party (oh…what an idea). So those polite dinner manners get left in the dining room. They have no place in the bedroom…living room…shower…back seat of the car…quiet corner of a park. If you ain’t drooling and moaning, you are performing fellatio. Give it up, girlfriend and start blowing the man.

Deep Throating. I admit it this is MY personal weakness. I have a strong gag reflex. So this is always a challenge for me. Yes, I have watched and tried the videos and still I gag. But here is a secret, girls…he likes that shit. Hearing his woman gag…well, it means he is enough to make you gag, right? I know our greatest fear is…retching. But trust me, I have never yet met a man, who will push you to that point. So give him control to go as deep as he wants…and enjoy the ride. Once you relax, it ain’t as bad as you feared.

And for those of us that may feel inadequate about not being able to deep throat him enough, here is a special secret…I called this one a hummer for a reason. Yes, hum. Not just moan, which he will like. But actually hum a tune with his cock inside your mouth. Mine is Dixie. But you choose your signature song.

Of course, most women’s failure is rushing things. Fellatio is the McDonalds of oral sex. A blow job is a five-course meal with conversation and laughter between those courses. It is taking your time to enjoy the meal and the man. Do not set an alarm, don’t even have a clock where you can see it. And when your knees start to ache…shift your weight a bit. Find a new, more comfortable position and get back to the fun.

And do I really have to say this one, bitches? SWALLOW!!! Unless, of course, he wants to cum on your face, tits or in your hair. Even then show him your appreciation by scooping some up and licking it off your fingers. Seriously, like Chris says…spitters are quitters. And no one likes a quitter.

Here’s how you know you got the job done:

Yes, I have been saving blow job memes. I have a couple on eating pussy too. Think I should ask Thor or Mikael to write a guest post on the subject for the guys?