Thoughtful Thursday: Never Been to Me

From May 2015:

Dispassionately facing your past and cleaning out junk is not as easy as it is to clean out files on your computer. It is much harder than simply click and delete.

Last night I cleaned some photos out of my Dropbox. I deleted hundreds of photos…many sexually explicit. Most I deleted simply because I did not like how I looked in them. But still there are more than a hundred very naughty photos in that folder. Things that while I will not be ashamed of…neither am I likely to share with anyone else. I kept those photos, even the ones with lovers who hurt me deeply for one reason…for good or for bad, they are my story. Who I am.

Yesterday my friend the videographer also sent me the final cuts of the video that we shoot last weekend. Honestly, I have shown it to only two dear friends…because I am embarrassed by it. Only slightly because of the body issues that I talked about earlier. The truth is that it perfectly tells the story I wanted…of my Madonna and my whore. It is powerful…perhaps too much so. Especially the whore part.

I am not ready…and never maybe to show you that video but here is the music that goes with it…

Then this morning, I took another of those stupid FaceBook quizzes. I was off the fucking chart. Literally the FUCKING chart. Most women my age…close to 90% of them have had less than ten lovers. My number…more than twenty times that. How does that make me feel?

I am not someone that believes in regrets. Although as another of my favorite songs says… “regrets I’ve had a few, but then again too few to mention.” As I always tell my children…it is not the things which you do that you regret but the ones you don’t. And I believe that.

Honestly, I have only two fantasies left…one raunchy…and the other perhaps impossible. How many people can say that? Who knows maybe for my birthday, I will treat myself to the raunchy one…just to finish off my sexual bucket list. (I did not…because I have come to the realization that you give a piece of yourself, your soul, to every single person that you have sex with. And there ain’t that many pieces left of mine…so I am damned careful now.)

I received an email from one of my Literotica fans the other day…basically he was saying that he would never in this lifetime achieve the type of heart-felt writing that I do. I messaged him back that was not necessarily a bad thing as my writing comes from pain…lots of it. But it also comes from all those experiences…there are not many things which I write about which I have not tried myself…that makes writing them way easier.

But still…what keeps me from posting that video…what haunts me every night as I cuddle my purple unicorn alone in my bed…what, yes, makes me sad if not regretful is that all those numbers…and not once with HIM. Not once with someone my equal, someone that I honestly want to spend the rest of my life with. That best friend, lover and husband who knows you better than you know yourself. That is what I mean when I sing that song…

Spent a life time exploring the subtle whoring that costs too much to be free…

I’ve been to paradise but I’ve never been to me…

And I may never…which may be the REAL power by the words I write. Although I sure as hell would like to give it a try the other way…lol.


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