I was a day late with REAL Woman Wednesday this week, because we had company ALL day long. Our tiny apartment was full with PanKwake’s friends and their Moms. While the kids ate and made crafts in the living room, in the kitchen us girls chatted.
Now another of my core values that I have not really written about yet is being REAL, genuine, living your life openly, honestly and without apology. With the exception of a handful of professionals, everyone in our lives knows about my kinks. I have this strange attitude that if you want to be my friend…that means you ACCEPT (another core value) me as I am. If not…then there’s the door, let the knob hit you where the good goddess split you.
These ‘vanilla’ friends have gotten so used to my BDSM that it just does not phase them any more. After all, my floggers hang like the pieces of art they are on the wall above my bed. But since Poly is relatively new…well, they just can’t seem to comprehend how I can possibly LOVE and be COMMITTED to two men at once. And this shows in some of their actions and our conversations, such as:
No, I do NOT have to choose.
They are hilarious sometimes. It always comes back to this one. ‘Yes, but if you had to choose…’ And I smile and explain one more time…I do NOT have to. I even try using the analogy of being a parent, do you love one child less or choose one over the other? Not, if you are a good one.
Oh, sure there will always be moments when one needs more of your time and attention. Being the Mom of six has perfectly prepared me for this. And the same principles apply…clearly communicate to the other what is happening and why. Then make damned sure that he gets his ‘special’ time with you later.
But that is NOT choosing one over the other. It is temporary and momentary.
No, I am NOT available and looking for ‘back-ups.’
That morning, I knew that one of them was supposed to stop by, so when the knock came I went to the door as I would…the REAL Tara. In other words, at nine in the morning…in an old t-shirt and underwear. After all it is just…one of my GIRL friends.
Except it was not the one I was expecting, it was the other one…with over six feet of HOT Michael Clarke Duncan standing behind her. Now this is the THIRD man, she has tried to ‘add to my harem.’
Don’t get me wrong…these are quality men. One has become a close and dear friend, whom I invited to Thanksgiving…and heard this exact same argument from my family and other friends. This one too shares my passion for his special needs son and will likely become a good friend. Which I suppose is always the beginning with me…
BUT two is a plateful right now.
Now as with BDSM and life…I make the point that ‘normal’ and ‘rules’ just don’t apply to REAL people…REAL life…and REAL love. But this is how Poly REALly works for us…
- I REALly and genuinely LOVE and am COMMITTED to both Captain America and Thor. That is not about the sex or submission, it is about the man, about our friendship and as REAL as it gets. As Thor says, ‘this is not screwing whoever we want, but the capacity to care for more than one person at a time.’ That means that:
- Decisions are shared. Especially something as big as bringing in a new person. Even offering my protection and mentoring a younger sub friend had to be something that we ALL agreed upon.
- Transparency is essential. So yeah, I told both Thor and Captain about getting caught with just my panties and t-shirt in front of another man. Now, none of us made a huge deal about it, but if a ‘normal’, ‘vanilla’ relationship requires honesty and communication…then this more so.
Poly may not be the ‘norm’, but neither is it something completely new. What is new is how poly plays out. It is no longer about women being property like goats or cows…and the wealthier, more powerful you are the more wives you can have. Modern poly is about sharing, giving of yourself, and genuinely caring/loving equally, but differently.
My Poly is just as REAL as any other commitment…be that your dating, handfasting, or even marriage.
So please learn to respect that.