My world is falling apart around me. My stress is through the roof. I want to cry. I probably do scream and yell. Other women want to talk or be held. Be told that everything will be all right.
I need pain. That’s right, forget holding me while I cry…hurt me. Mark me and leave bruises that will remind me of you for days. Because I am a masochist. A pain slut. And there is nothing wrong with that.
Yes, you heard me right…THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING A MASOCHIST.
With needing spankings, or floggings, or even caning more than you need cuddles in that moment. Don’t get me wrong. I love cuddles as much as the next girl. And anyone who knows me (or has read this blog for long) knows I can talk.
But when my mind is spiralling down like I spoke about yesterday…and being human I have those days. As the Mom of an autistic child, fighting the system, uncaring neighbors and even well-meaning ‘friends’ not to mention obnoxious strangers, I have more than my fair share.
On those days, I need the pain to clear my mind before the cuddles and talking will do any good. I used to say it was like a teacher taking an eraser to a marked up blackboard. Then I realized, many people have never seen a teacher write on one…thanks to PowerPoint. So now I say it is the Ctrl-Alt-Delete for my brain. It resets it as surely as that trick does my computer…even faster sometimes.
How does that work? What does it feel like?
Honestly, when I was younger I admit I experimented with drugs. And let me tell you when those endorphins hit my neuro-receptors…no drug I have ever tried even comes close.
Wait…there was one. Morphine. When I went to the hospital with my gall bladder, I had been in pain for close to two weeks. I was exhausted, but because of my history with drug abuse I resist taking anything stronger than Tylenol or ibuprofen. But they practically insisted and my now ex backed them up. They put an IV line in the back of my hand…something I hate. They hooked the saline up and then they gave me a dose of it to bolster the drip they were starting.
And the whole fucking world changed…
That is what the good kind of pain does for me. The more stressed I am, the harder and the faster it hits me. One moment I am in pain, the next it is like embracing an old friend you have not seen in ages, then you just enjoy and chat a bit…
Except at some point it just happens…your world tilts. Your mind goes blank. And you float on your back in the pool of pain…and nothing can bother you. Your hearing is dulled. You close your eyes and you feel it wash over you like warm water.
Funny thing is that when I first began this journey into the world of BDSM, I used to say I can do some bondage, maybe a bit of bare handed spanking…but I REALly am not into that pain stuff.
You see like too many people out there I was prejudiced. I had closed my mind off to something I simply did not understand.
There had to be something seriously wrong with THOSE people.
Whoever heard of wanting to be hurt? That just ain’t right.
People like that need to see a therapist.
That shit can’t be healthy for you.
Let me tell you…I have seen therapist. A few times. I have also been on Prozac and a couple others. None of them helped to de-stress me like a healthy dose of pain can.
As for healthy? It is my sanity. I could not do all that I do without it. So if that is unhealthy…screw it. Coffee will kill you. Sugar will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Hell, even sex will kill you. I would rather die happy than drop dead while out jogging and starving myself.
Am I saying this is normal? Well, I don’t REALly believe in ‘normal.’ It is a myth and a highly over-rated one at that.
Now is it for everyone? Probably not. Scientist hypothesis that something happens within fetuses that cross wire the pain and pleasure centers of the brain. But having had a child with autism and epilepsy, having conquered depression, having a former partner with MS and a current Dom with PTSD and a traumatic brain injury, let me tell you…doctors and scientists know jack shit about how the human brain works. You are better off with alternative medicines…like pain therapy.
So am I suggesting everyone run out and buy canes and clover clamps? Not at all. What I am saying is the same thing I always say…be more open minded and accepting of things and people who are different.