Freaky Friday – How REAL D/s Works…

Today, I go back to the very roots of this blog. When I started it back in April, it was as a supplement to my erotic writing. A place to answer everyone’s questions about the stories I write.

And, boy, is this latest chapter of Ægir’s Wife stirring up a hornet’s nest. I love when my writing does that…because it means I got you thinking. Of course, this is not about addressing every single ‘complaint’ about the story, no writer should ever justify their works. But it is about giving you a peak inside their heads and a broader view of where the story comes from.

This one in particular is precious to me because it deals with two facets of my life that are as REAL as they come…BDSM and polyamory. And that may be part of the issue…the dissonance between fantasy and REALity. Because until you live them, it is challenging to accurately portray them. But I am setting poly aside today to focus upon my three Doms in the Ægir’s trilogies…and the very REAL types/people that they represent in the BDSM community.

But before I tackle our Doms, let’s look at our sub…Kirsty. For all of Ægir’s  Captive and most of Bride, I kept hearing how weak she was, how she needed to set limits, and grow a set. Now, someone accused her of ‘domming’ her guys? Well, folks, the truth is…she has grown as a submissive. She is more confident, thanks to the love shown her by Bjorn and Mikael. So, now, she is not awed by these men…she is capable of kneeling as their full partner. More on this later…

Mikael, our beloved sadist, has really come out of his shell. He has become the anchor that holds them all together in fact…and Kirsty’s biggest source of strength. But he remains more sadist than Dom…but with a healthy dose of best friend and lover…a lethal combination, let me tell you personally.

Bjorn, oh sweet, loving Bjorn, reminds me of the saying ‘be careful what you wish for because you just might get it.’ He is discovering the thorns on this rose bush of poly…but in life we cannot never appreciate the good without the bad.

Sven, the one you all love to hate, is an archetype of Dom called an über. From experience, let me tell you…this type is prevalent in the clubs. They are the stars and they shine. That is what he has been for two decades, folks. They live by rules. They know them all, even when they break them. But that is the extent of it…they carefully avoid any connection, emotion or feeling. It threatens them in a way that is not pretty. I have always avoided übers…though I have counted one as a mentor and others among my friends. I know that as an empathe I cannot handle their Mister Cool number as Kirsty calls it.

So now, we get to meat of the matter, ya’ll. How do these types interact in REAL BDSM? Let me begin with two caveats…1) There are no absolutes in BDSM or Poly or life…it is as varied as the individuals. This is based upon personal experience (something that I proudly say separates me from some other writers in this genre) and upon generalities. 2) This is about RELATIONSHIP based BDSM, not about in the bedroom only or scenes in the clubs. This is about how things work day-to-day in 24/7 power exchange.

That relationship is about more than rules. In fact, often times those rules and safe words simply do not apply at all. It is about the most important thing of all…TRUST. When you have that, then you don’t need the other.

I shared the other week about the young couple that we tried to help. This was one of the things that he could not grasp…that the relationship trumps the BDSM. When I said that the friendship I shared with Thor and Captain America was not only the basis for our D/s but also TRUMPED it, his mind almost exploded.

But in REAL life D/s, there is no conflict. They build upon one another. I respect these men as my Doms, because of the way they proved themselves as my friends first. And I am better friends with them because of the intimacy we share in D/s. It is that snow ball that just keeps getting bigger and bigger. But at its core was that tiny truth of…friends, first, last and always as Thor and I promised one another when we began this journey. Which leads me to…

The roles/boundaries are not as distinct as you think. Someone mentioned that Mikael should not have mentioned the tawse in ‘vanilla’ lovemaking. The truth is that in REAL life 24/7 power exchange you slip into and out of roles seamlessly. Because you cannot walk three paces behind him with your head down all the time (and he would get bored damned quickly if you did).

The perfect example is shopping in Wal-Mart with Captain America. Now this girl HATES shopping, but it had been seven years since I had been inside a Wally World (as our family calls them). So every time (about a half a dozen) we went to one, it was like a trip to Disney Land for me.

So one time we were walking around, laughing and joking, holding hands…about as ‘vanilla’ boyfriend/girlfriend as you get. I wanted to go off looking for something (probably ANOTHER toy for PanKwake) and he said ‘We did not come here for that.’ How many times you think that same conversation happened between couples there…in a single day even? Dozens? Hundreds?  Maybe even a thousand.

What was different though was the reaction…my head bowed, my eyes dropped and the only words out of my mouth were…’Yes, Sir.’ No resentment. No argument. Because as His, He is the one that makes such choices. That is what power exchange and 24/7 REALly means.

That does not mean I have to be a mindless zombie though. This is where that other complaint about Kirsty being too ‘bratty’ comes in. Even in TPE, total power exchange (which I do not yet share with either of them only because this cannot truly work without living together), a sub still needs to maintain some of her identity…for her mental health and because like I said He would get bored so damned quickly.

Mind you, it was Captain America that first taught me the word shieldmaiden. When we first explored taking our friendship to another level two years ago and began negotiating, He told me that He was not sure that He would ever be a traditional Master type, that what He really sought was a shieldmaiden…someone capable of being her own person, but ultimately His. So, hell yeah, when I have something important to say, He listens. It is just knowing when something is important…and one more toy was not worth it.

The other night when things fell apart and my young sub friend was so upset I did something I rarely do…I Topped her. Now this is in conference with both my Doms. At one point as I was calming and soothing her, Thor texted: ‘You keeping tabs on all the tips our little subbie is giving us, Captain America?’

You see, They respect me just as much as I do them. They would not want anything less than a warrior woman, capable of standing shoulder and shoulder with Them on this fucking battle field of life, but one who kneels and offers her shield and sword willing to her Commanding Officers out of respect, loyalty and trust.

Right now, I am taking a kickass blogging course by Jeff Goins called the Intentional Blog. As part of that, one of the assignments in terms of finding/honing your voice (I know…sometimes ya’ll wish I would lose mine…lol) was to ask five people you know to describe you in three words. Of course, two of mine HAD to be Them. Here are their answers:

Thor: dedicated, honest, loyal, sensual (in that order…he put the other three even before sensual)

Captain America: sweet, wonderful, cerebral

See why I love my guys? They see the REAL me and not just what They want me to be. Pretty sweet, though when those two line up.

Those are just some of the REALities of relationship based D/s that no fiction book or even in the bedroom or club only scenes can ever give you. And that is the unique perspective of a REAL sub, who REALly loves and respects her Doms, brings to this story. Because in the end…D/s is about that TRUST and bond between two…or more…people. It is not perfect…it is always a work in progress…but it is very much REAL…in a way no other relationship ever can be.

And that is what Sven, the über, is so fucking frightened of…no rules, no protocol, a very different type of control. Pretty frightening stuff for a man that spent forty years in perfect control of his subs, his ship, his family and most especially his emotions. In REAL life, the übers that I have known would run so far and so fast from the intensity (OH…perfect word for it…INTENSE!) of this kind of relationship.

But this is fiction, this is Tara Neale’s world where everyone can have their ‘happily ever afters’ so don’t give up on him either, folks. Though the road may get even rockier than it has so far…I hope you will hang in there with me. For this journey into How REAL D/s Works.