Onions…

Although I have decided to place Ægir’s Bride in the BDSM category at Literotica, I still want to take a minute to talk about why I changed my mind and believe that Ægir’s Captive belongs 100% in nonconsent/RELUCTANCE. Not the first (nonconsent), at least not since her first night in Bjorn’s arms and probably not even from the beginning. But this photo shows true reluctance. A big, old, smelly, tear-jerking onion. That is reluctance. And like that onion, reluctance is multiple layers that must be peeled away one by one.

I have lived that lesson personally for the past ten days or so. You see by the time you read this blog I will be sitting on that same train Kirsty took to Tilbury. And even though I have made this journey once before, even though I know what my Sven is like (hell, maybe because I do), I am still just as nervous, uncertain and yes, reluctant. Like Kirsty, every mile and moment that passes I am sure my heart will beat faster…and those voices get louder…

• ‘What the hell do you think you are doing?’
• ‘You know it can’t possibly be as good the second time around.’
• ‘And if it is…that only makes it worse…you know there is no future in it.’
• ‘Get off the train at the next stop. Turn around and go home.’
• ‘Run…run…RUN…as fast and as far as you can.’

…And dozens of more excuses. Because that is the human mind. The female and submissive one in particular.

The thing is that each day has brought me closer to this moment…this man that I cannot forget (don’t get romantic on me girls…check out number three above). Tuesday when PanKwake’s carer came in she had a funny smile and said, “It is Tuesday, three more days.” My heart pounded and all those other bodily functions that I write about too…but my tummy dropped and those questions flooded my brain and my palms got sweaty too.

Sometimes…nay, if you are human…then want and reluctance are two-sides of the same coin. Heads and tails. And here is something else to think about…no matter what happens on board that ship in Tilbury today, all the way home…for days…for weeks or months…please goddess not another two and a half years…those same doubts will still be there. Even after the fact…after the die is cast…after you surrender yourself….you can still be reluctant.

So don’t be surprised, folks, if that smelly, tear-jerking onion of reluctance still pops up every now and then…especially with Mikael…and on occasion even with Sven (I mean come on girls…who wants to be any man’s brood mare? Okay, maybe a little…but…hey that is reluctance).